The Holidays Made Me a Monster!

Monster!

You wouldn’t believe I am capable of being that. But I do. I am. And I am not proud of it.

The holidays are supposed to be a joyful season. A time when you spread good cheer to anyone and everyone you meet.

But it also comes with a lot of stress. I am not a Christmas person really. For the sheer reason that it causes me undue tiredness from all the hustle and bustle of the season. And tiredness is the culprit behind me snapping at people.

Just these past few weeks, I am not my usual self. I am easily irritated. I spew words that hurt. I behave so un-Christlike. I knew what I was doing, but it felt so hard to break away and change my behavior.

I had to ask my husband to pray with me and for me. I had to confess my sinful behavior to the Lord and seek His help to change my ways. I couldn’t do it on my own. I felt so trapped and helpless. Only the Lord could transform me again.

Christians fall too. We do not claim to be superbeings that do not sin anymore once we have received Jesus as our Lord and Savior. We only recognize our fallenness and seek God’s grace and forgiveness all the more. Thankfully, Jesus came down on earth precisely to save us from ourselves.

We are all monsters. Whether we admit it or not. We need a God to tame us, break our selves, and restore us to who we were made to be – sons and daughters of the Living, Gracious Heavenly Father.

The holidays did not make me a monster. That is my sinful self crying out to be transformed.

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Would you give yourself up for the Lord and all your monstrous, sinful ways and be ready for a new life in Christ this coming New Year?

If you said yes, you may say this simple prayer:

Lord Jesus, I confess that I have sinned against you and need your forgiveness. Cleanse my heart and wash my sins away with Your most precious blood. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I receive You as my Lord and Savior. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the person You want me to be. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

♥️♥️♥️

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

2 Corithians 5:17 (NLT)

A Blessed, Transformative New Year to all! 🎉

Overcoming Depression: A Glimpse of Death

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a God of hope who is ready to embrace those who’ve succumbed to depression.

This is the second part of the story I shared with all of you yesterday at https://thevelveteenleah.wordpress.com/2014/02/19/depression-breaking-the-silence/

Written in poetry form, I penned this after going through what seemed to be an endless experience of agony. It was quite cathartic for me to write out what happened to me back then and the lessons I’ve learned in the process.

Here it is.

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GLIMPSE OF DEATH

By Leah Lyn E. Albano

Tragedy struck in her young life.

Hopeless, desperate, depressed,

She attempted to end all the pain.

Caught unaware that her dreams will be shattered.

Taken by surprise that her life will be put on hold.

She was a soldier caught without her defenses.

Blinded with the sinfulness of her nature,

She hid in her cocoon,

Not speaking a word, holding it all in her heart.

Confused, overwhelmed, frustrated.

No one can paint a smile on her face.

Tears…all tears were flowing from within.

Abyss of depression, the horror of it all!

She was in the valley of the shadow of death.

“Where was God? Why me, Lord?” she asked.

The questions were difficult,

And the answers remained elusive.

She was at the tunnel, waiting for the light to dawn again.

Life, for her, stopped.

But the clock remained ticking.

Her loved ones remained loving her.

Amidst the void she was feeling,

God was miraculously at work.

Angels protected her from dying.

The journey uphill was a difficult struggle.

It was not without much pain and crying,

When she emerged from the deep recesses of her sorrow.

It was not without doubts and much questionings,

When all the anger and bitterness surfaced.

The ugly side of life haunted her to no end.

But the terror of it all had to happen,

For her to fully face her sinfulness,

For her to fully receive God’s grace and mercy.

“Christ died for the real me,

Wounds, bruises, scars and all!”

A declaration of hope … the light is finally seen.

Traversing the road leading her to a glimpse of death

Was no defeat at all.

That death led her to savor the sweet taste of life anew!

January 25, 1998

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Depression: Breaking the Silence

Apparently, I wrote sad stuff when I was much younger. My poems and journal entries speak of anger, frustration and sadness, to say the least. I had a lot of hang-ups back then. Little did I know that I was being pulled into the abyss of depression. Until I finally succumbed to it. There were triggers that led me to the hell that was depression. Few people understand this condition. Fewer people even accept what it really is.

While I was going through that difficult period in my life, people closest to me would say, “You just don’t pray enough.” Or perhaps they would utter, “Maybe you are harboring an unconfessed sin in your life, that’s why you’re depressed.” Or they would say, “That’s just momentary.”

They did not help me in any way. They even added to the hurt that I was already feeling. At some point, I would like to believe them, until that fateful day happened.

I realized I needed professional help when I found myself attempting to end my life. I was already  crying for desperate help! I have been silent on this area in my life for so long, since I know that not all would understand, especially I am of Christian background.

But I am now ready to break my silence. I would like to put a real face to what depression really is.

I was diagnosed to have clinical depression last 1997. There was a chemical imbalance in my brain and I was treated for it with oral medications combined with a series of psychotherapy sessions to deal with my pressing issues at hand. It recurred in 1999. And reappeared many years after. It was safe to say I was struggling with the condition. Research says, that once a person was diagnosed with depression, it is more likely that he or she  will experience a recurrence. It may also be genetic in nature.

Tell-tale signs of my depression was lack of appetite, inability to  sleep, lack of interest in the things that I previously enjoy, fear of people, anxiety over the future, crying bouts and the angry, emotional outbursts I would often have.

My family and friends did not know how to handle me anymore. Till I realized that only few people stayed with me during this dark night of my soul. That’s when I discovered who my real friends were. They were the ones who would sit with me in silence, offer me a comforting prayer and embrace, and visit me at home even when I couldn’t relate with them normally. They were the ones who loved and accepted me for who I really was. Stripped of my usual, smart, confident self; they came to know the scared, insecure self that  I really was.

Depression may be ugly. But it brings out the beauty in every person that goes through with it. It sheds off the mask that most people put on to gain acceptance in society. It brings forth compassion for the unloved and the unaccepted. It gives new meaning to deliverance from darkness after one has gained victory over that condition. It assures you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am now in my mid-30s. I am still under maintenance medication to ensure chemical balance in my brain to prevent me from having to succumb to depression again. But what gives me joy now, is that I have learned to develop coping mechanisms to deal with my daily struggles. I have faced my issues head-on. I have a loving, supportive family who completely accepts me. And I have a God of hope bigger than any depression.