Wounded and Traumatized

This is now my story.

I am not well. Physically and emotionally. For those who knew me from way back then, you will know that I am an epilepsy survivor and have gone through hell thrice in my life because of clinical depression.

My last seizure was in September around 2020. And I have not relapsed with my depression since 2012.

I have been living a quiet life before all these chaos with my dad’s medical condition.

When my mom got bedridden during her car accident in 2013, I was her primary carer too.

I began to relive those memories of being a caregiver once more.

But there comes a time when the caregiver needs some caring too.

The past 19 days with my dad at the hospital was a figurative hell for me.

I reached my breaking point there.

I was deeply wounded and traumatized with all that’s been going around me – doctors’ instructions and revelations, nurses’ ineptitudes, dad’s stubborness and outbursts, family demands and questions, not eating on time, interrupted sleep, not going home, figuring out how to pay the hospital bills on time, feelings of helplessness and a whole gamut of emotions.

It was all just too much for me to handle.

I had my personal struggles on the side along with all these.

My critical medication for depression was changing at the middle of all these and the fear of relapse was very real.

We also learned the news that we were not approved for the third time with our home loan with a bank. My husband and I had to attend to these while making sure we were present for dad.

The happy vacation I should have with my husband has turned into my worst nightmare.

If I had not recognized my tell-tale signs, even my relationship with my husband had been strained because of the undue stress I was experiencing.

People have been telling me God’s timing was good that Randy was here when this all happened.

But why does he need to sacrifice everything for our family?

I am hurting. Deeply wounded. Deeply traumatized. I want to be angry but I could not. I am protecting my mental and emotional health. I need to reserve a little love for myself because I cannot care from an empty cup.

I am hanging on. I know Jesus knows my heart. Whether I come from a place of joy or sadness or anger, I know Jesus will meet me where I am.

Miracle of Second Life

Yes, my dad is alive and well!

He is finally at our house.

After angiogram, 6 blood vessel clots, bypass surgery, discovery of clots in the vein in the neck area (with the possibility of stroke), cardiac rehab, 6 PT sessions — finally, my dad survived it all!

If you don’t call this a miracle, I don’t know what it is.

A second chance at life maybe.

We were discharged just this morning and still settling in to our new home environment.

My dad and all of us in the family thank all of you for your love, prayers and support.

Everything happens for a reason. And it is my deep prayer that whatever lessons the Lord is teaching all of us through this experience may be learned and ingrained in our hearts.

And I pray that with a renewed heart of my dad (literal and figurative) comes with a renewed life — a life dedicated to the Lord. A life that will not turn back to old ways. A life that will be whole and fully surrendered to God. A life whose center of the throne is the Lord Jesus Christ alone.

Grateful,
♥️ Leah and family

One Day at a Time

For four days now after my Dad has been operated on for his bypass surgery, we were missing him at our regular room in the hospital. He has been in the Telemetry Unit at the Heart Station where doctors and nurses have been closely monitoring his vitals.

It was very tough for us, his family, to see him with tubes, oxygen, wiring, IVs, cathether and other equipment attached to him.

I see my Lolo Eddie in my dad while I was caring for him throughout his recovery. If my Lolo survived till a very ripe old age of 98, my dad has a great chance of reaching that too, if he so wills it with proper self-care, discipline and family support.

There were moments in the Telemetry Room when I see my dad as very sad, weak and immobile. But there were also glimpses of hope and thanksgiving in his eyes especially when we have our morning and evening prayers to our Lord who alone sustained him through his ordeal.

I’ve been telling him that many people prayed for him for his operation and still praying for his fast and full recovery. And Dad is most grateful for you all. ❤️

He is currently having his Physical Therapy under the care and supervision of his rehab doctor (Doc Wayne) for two sessions everyday. He is being equipped to continue this even when we get home.

These past several days were very trying for us. It was a ‘crazy’, tiring, challenging four days at the Telemetry.

Pray that we will soon be discharged from the hospital. It’s been since May 17 that we were all here.

For now, we just thank the Lord that he has just gotten back to us in his room at the 16th floor of Metropolitan Medical Center.

One day at a time. Dad will be on his toes once again.

Keep us all still in your prayers,
♥️ Leah and family

Stormy, Not Smooth

It was a “stormy and not smooth” operation as the doctor put it last night after dad’s surgery.

Six blood vessels were clotted. Dad’s BP and sugar were fluctuating at the time of operation. We were told that after surgery, the 24 to 48 hours was critical.

But after a day of close monitoring and observation, dad is a lot better now. His cardio doctor told us “he’s okay na.”

He is in Telemetry Unit at the moment being cared for by doctors and nurses there. Only immediate family can visit him (one a time) as per doctor’s instructions.

My mom and sister have seen him already and shared that he can now eat and talk.

And do you know the first thing he asked of my mom? “Umuulan ba?”

He knows a storm is coming our way.

I was telling my dad before his operation – “Dad, may bagyong parating. Baka sumabay sa operation mo. Ok yun. Blessing daw yun from heaven. Tsaka di ba we stormed the heaven for prayers?”

To which my dad replied with a smile.

Yes, storms may be scary. But storms are there at times to test our faith. There comes a moment when we are most fearful, Jesus calls on us to step out and walk on the water with Him.

My dad walked on the water. Jesus was with him. And we are certain, this storm will pass.

Thank you for being with us. ♥️

Hanging on,
Leah and family

The 25th of May

Moment of truth is coming.

Tomorrow at 7 AM, my Dad Leo will have his bypass surgery.

We enjoin you to offer prayers of healing for my dad and for a successful operation to be performed by Dr Nelson Lee and his team. (Metropolitan Medical Center)

We are allowing Daddy to just rest, relax and be calm tonight, trusting fully in God, our Ultimate Healer to work in the midst of everything.

We thank the Lord for providing for us for we acknowledge that He is also our Great Provider. To family and friends who have helped us (and are helping us) financially, you know who you are – our deepest love and appreciation to all of you. ♥️ May the good Lord bless you all back a thousandfold!

Dad will stay in the hospital for 10 more days after the surgery for post-operation care and monitoring by his cardiologist Dr. Erwin del Rosario and his team.

Pray also for my mom Evelyn, sister Menelyn, my husband Randy that we will all have the strength and endurance to provide the proper care and support for my dad.

Till then.

Keeping the faith,
Leah and family

P.S. If you are being led by the Lord to support us at this time in any way, you may privately message me.

Road to Surgery

We shall see these hospital halls for a bit more while.

My dad Meneleo Albano is having his bypass surgery on the 25th of May and we are storming the heavens for the Lord to show His power, might, and healing grace over my dad’s life.

He has started his pre-operation work up today with a Carotid Venous Scan. He has been given a Spirometer too to exercise and practice his breathing. Oral medicines and an injectable blood thinner are continually being administered to him.

Praise God that he did not have any chest pains today! He has also improved a lot in terms of appetite in eating. His vitals are good so far.

So yes, prayers do miracles. We thank you for storming the heavens with us. Please continue to pray.

Even if these hospital walls will be our sight for some time, I trust that our Lord above is watching over us and guiding us every step of the way.

—
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 18:20

♥️ Love to all,
Leah and family

Bypass

He was asleep. His sound of breathing emanated in the hospital room. I gazed at him for a few minutes. Then I found a tear in my eye.

My lesson on “parenting the parent” officially begins now. My dad just had his angiogram yesterday and results show he needs to undergo bypass surgery soonest possible time.

Kindly keep him in your prayers if you happen to know my dad personally. He is a very private person and shuns any attention on him. But things change. He needs all the love, care and attention right now.

We don’t know what will happen next. But trusting in the sovereignty and provision of the Lord in our dad’s life is what we are called to do at this time.

I will watch him sleep again tonight. The sound of his breathing will be music to my ears. For as long as there’s that sound, my living hope remains.

Praying all will be well.

—

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

– Romans 8:28

Birthday Musings

I am 46. Not so young anymore. But not that too old either.

But life has happened to me just the same.

When I was studying for my Master’s degree in Family Life and Child Development at UP Diliman, we had a course there on Family Dynamics.

I remember so well my oral report assignment was about adult children who are now acting as “parents” to their elderly parents. Tides are turning when one reaches this developmental stage.

You are an adult child. You now take on the responsibility of caring for your parents. Yet you are still their child. Role reversals happen. A balancing act must be attained.

I’m in this stage now. And I’m not prepared. I still haven’t found the balance. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m equipped to handle this stage.

But I trust that circumstances will teach me along the way. I guess my instincts will kick in and I’ll just know what to do when thrust in a situation with my parents. (Read: When they are utterly grey and old and sick.)

This scares me. Is it in me to face the challenges ahead as our family dynamics change?

Am I a good enough “parent” to my mom and dad? Will I be able to care for them with complete love, patience and understanding?

I still have time. I still have some years ahead of me to be the daughter that I can be for them.

As I close this day, I express my gratitude to the Lord that I still both have my mom and dad. I am deeply thankful the Lord has made me a little bit stronger and a little bit more mature to face what life holds for me.

Hanging on. Here’s offering my ultimate birthday prayer that the Lord will mold me to be the person He wants me to be – not only for my parents, but for my husband and sister as well.

Letting Go

I definitely set my sights on it. I imagined our life there.  How our lives will turn dramatically and give us a new sense of meaning and purpose.

My hopes were high. My dreams were etched in my mind.

Yet in a glimpse, those dreams became a blur. There were doubts if it will materialize. I questioned God. Were my motives wrong? Did we do something not right? Are we lacking in anything?

I spiralled. Just like when a setback happens to me. But after a night, I said to myself. Enough. No matter how hard I think of all the reasons why it happened, it was out of my control. Only God knows His ultimate reason for this.

The Lord gives, the Lord takes away. And just like that, it dawned on me, I should not put my trust in the things of this world. Everything is temporary. Everything is owned by the Lord. Whatever happens, if it is His will, it will come to pass. It will happen in His time and in His way, not mine.

Hard lesson to learn. It hurts when you expect too much and things don’t go as planned. Let our hands hold everything loosely, because that way, it is easier to let go and let God.

Pain

I thought I am healed. But I am still broken.

I think I can never be whole in this lifetime.

My relief will certainly come in the afterlife.

Not here. Not now. Not ever on this earth.

I tried to cry, but no tears come out.

So this is what deep pain means.

A well so deep, I can not see its source.

It is as if I’m drowning in a stormy ocean

One cannot fathom how it all began.

I am torn. I am broken.

No one knows how I truly feel.

I may look strong. But I am at my weakest.

No one knows the pain I am in.

—

Penned a month ago. I don’t remember now what this was all about. But when the pain strikes, it surely hits me hard. Some of my most poignant poetry comes from my deepest pains.